


The Man Behind the Mask

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Child Abuse, Drama, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, No Slash, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-07-03
Updated: 2004-07-03
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:44:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Someone helps Justin to understand why Brian is the way he is.





	The Man Behind the Mask

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin impatiently paced in front of the couch for the umpteenth time where his lover lounged smoking a cigarette.

“Come on, Brian,” he said in a frustrated tone.

“How many times do I have to tell you no, Sunshine?” Brian said as he took a drag off his cigarette.

“Until you’ve finally said it enough times to kill me.”

“Well, we’ll be here awhile then, won’t we?” Brian said with a tongue-in-cheek smirk.

“Why won’t you do this one thing for me?” Justin asked with more sadness than anything else. Brian pulled himself up into a sitting position and swung his long legs over the side of the couch.

“Because what you’re asking me to do is stupid,” he answered.

“It’s not stupid,” Justin replied angrily. He raked a hand through his shaggy blond locks before continuing to pace.

“So you don’t think it’s stupid to ask me to come to one of your mother’s breeder country club gatherings?”

“No, I think it’s saying I’d like to spend time with you outside of your bed.”

“Then why can’t we just go to Woody’s or Babylon like any normal queers?”

“Because I thought it would be nice to spend time with my mother like a—’’ Brian cut him off.

“What, like a family? Oh! And on the way we can stop and have a potato sack race with the Brady Bunch!” Brian ground out sarcastically as he lit another cigarette. “Forget it, Sunshine; I’m not gonna go hang out with your mom and her snotty WASPy friends feeling like the charity case of the month.” Justin glared at him angrily.

“You’re not a charity case and you know it. Although you eat sparsely enough for me to feed you for 10 cents a month,” Justin said. He grabbed his coat and started heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” Brian asked while trying to sound nonchalant, but the worry was evident in his voice.

“To Daphne’s. I can’t stay here tonight,” Justin said as he stormed out of the loft. Before he slammed the door behind him, he threw one last comment over his shoulder. “You know, just once I wish I understood you Brian Kinney.” With that he slammed the door and descended the stairs to the street.

*~*~*

Once on the street Justin lit a cigarette of his own. He was frustrated and angry and he really needed to feel the nicotine flowing through his veins. He walked down Tremont smoking and thinking. Why did Brian have to be like this? One minute he was acting like the caring lover that Justin knew he was and the next he was acting like the asshole everyone else thought he was. Justin was getting sick to death of this routine.

“Beautiful night for a walk, huh?” Justin heard a high voice behind him say. He jumped at the sound and turned around to see a girl who looked no older than 16 standing in the middle of the street clad in a short white beaded halter dress and high heeled open toed shoes. Justin was surprised she wasn’t freezing. She had long blond hair and skin that was impossibly paler than his. She really was a stunningly beautiful girl, but Justin was in no mood for pleasantries.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime?” He asked, taking a drag off his cigarette. The girl giggled and walked closer.

“When you’re from where I’m from you don’t have a bedtime,” she said. “I think the real question is what are you doing walking to your best friend’s house in the middle of the night when you’ve got the stud of Liberty Avenue right up there in that loft?” Justin gave the girl a confused look.

“How did you know where I was going?” He asked.

“I know more than you think, Justin Taylor,” she answered with a smirk. Fear flashed in front of Justin’s blue eyes causing the girl to giggle again. “Don’t worry; I’m not stalking you. Well, at least not illegally.” Justin arched an eyebrow.

“And that would mean…?” He asked, waiting for her to fill in the blank.

“I was sent by the big guy,” she said vaguely. Now Justin was even more confused.

“Who?”

“You know,” she said and pointed towards the sky, “up there.” Justin slouched forward with a sigh.

“Are you one of those Born-Again Christians?” He said with an annoyed tone. The girl cringed at that.

“Fuck no! Those people give me the heebies!” She said shuddering. Once she composed herself she went on. “No, my name is Angelina. I’m your guardian angel.”

“Really?” Justin said unbelievingly.

“In the flesh,” Angelina answered proudly. “And it’s a nice bag of flesh if I do say so myself. I’m always surprised by what form He’ll give me. Last time, I was a sheep herder in Calcutta. I think I like this body more. The shoes are Minolo. Could you die?!” Justin laughed humorlessly and started to walk away.

“You’re nuts,” he threw over his shoulder. Before he could walk more than 3 paces Angelina appeared in front of him.

“Now is that anyway to treat someone who’s trying to help you?” Angelina said in mock offense. “Look, you said you wanted to understand Brian Kinney and that’s precisely what I intend on helping you to do!”

“How did you…” Justin started. Angelina grabbed his arm.

“You ask far too many questions. Come on; I’ve got a lot to show you and very little time to do it in.” With that she started running and Justin had no choice but to run with her. 

*~*~*

In what seemed like seconds Justin and Angelina came to a stop in front of a slightly run down house just outside the city limits. It wasn’t nighttime anymore and snow lightly drifted from the sky.

“Where the fuck are we?” Justin asked, shocked by the sudden change in the time of day and weather.

“We’re outside the home in which a young Mr. Brian Kinney grew up. But I think the more important question is: When are we.” Angelina sing-songed the last part as she handed Justin the newspaper that had been sitting on the lawn. Justin zeroed in on the date: December 25, 1977.

“How…How did this happen?” Justin gasped. Angelina only wrinkled her nose in response and again took hold of Justin’s arm.

“Come on; it’s Christmas Day! Let’s go in and see what’s happening,” she said as she started pulling Justin towards the house.

“We can’t just walk into…” Justin started. But before he could finish they were already inside the house. “How did we…?” Justin asked in disbelief.

“You don’t seem to get this whole ‘I’m an angel’ thing yet,” Angelina said. Justin looked around the house. It looked just as Brian had described it: littered with religious relics and furniture that looked too old and uninviting to sit on. Then something caught his eyes: a little boy sitting by the Christmas tree happily playing with a fire truck.

“Is that…?” Justin asked pointing at the little boy. Angelina nodded.

“Yup, that little Brian at five-years-old. If you doubt it, look at his eyes,” she said. Justin stepped closer and the little boy turned around, pushing the fire truck in a circle. Sure enough Justin looked at the hazel orbs with which he’d come to fall in love. He put his hand to his mouth to stifle a gasp.

“Oh my God, it is him,” Justin said in a voice barely above a whisper. Angelina smiled until she remembered why they were there. She wanted to say something, but knew that Justin had to see it for himself. Angelina braced herself for what was to come next.

“How many fucking times to I have to tell you brats not to leave your shit laying around?” A voice boomed through the house. Justin scrambled back to stand next to Angelina as Jack Kinney came stumbling rather ungracefully into the room. He was carrying an almost empty bottle of Jim Beam and Justin could smell the alcohol coming out of his pores. And for the first time he noticed the girl on the floor with Brian who he assumed was Claire and the woman on the couch reading the bible who was undoubtedly Joannie. The two children shot up at the sound of their father’s angry voice. They stared at him, looking as if they didn’t know what to say. Ignoring Claire, Jack walked straight over to Brian. “What the fuck are you looking at you miserable shit?” Justin flinched at the hurt look on the little boy’s face who was trying desperately to hold bad his tears. “Oh, you gonna cry now like some little faggot? Go ahead and cry, you worthless shit, see how much I care.” With that Jack stalked through the room and into the kitchen where Justin was sure he was getting another drink. Claire looked at her brother with shock while Joannie simply turned the page in her bible, not looking up once. Even with all the horror stories Deb and Michael had told him, Justin couldn’t believe the scene he’d just witnessed. He stared on in shock for what seemed to be hours.

“That was the first time they ever heard Jack yell like that,” Angelina said, her voice somber for the first time since they’d met. “He’d just lost his job and spent all his time drinking and becoming more and more bitter about Brian’s existence: a life he never wanted in the first place. Brian never forgot this day. It was one of the worst days of his life third only to the first day Jack hit him when he was 12 and…well, and the night he thought he’d lost you forever.” Justin looked up at Angelina. She gave him a quick squeeze on the shoulder before taking his hand. “I think that’s enough of this. Let’s take a look at something a bit happier.” The room spun and Justin took one last look at the sad little boy in front of him before he disappeared and was replaced by a brooding teenager. Justin could tell immediately that this was Brian just from the way the teen carried himself: poised, gorgeous…all the markings of the stud of Liberty. He sat on the edge of a bed that Justin had become all too familiar with. He was looking over at someone; a someone Justin realized was Michael.

“Well, here we are: the Novotny residence, eight years later,” Angelina explained. Justin watched as Michael sat down next to Brian and placed a hand on his back. A quick jolt of jealously coursed through Justin’s body. Angelina giggled. “You know Justin, you’re quite foolish to be jealous of a man who doesn’t even hold a candle to your looks and intelligence,” she said. “Plus it’s even more silly to be jealous of a shadow of the past.” Justin attempted a glare but knew she was right. He directed his attention back at the two boys.

“You’re not gonna tell anyone, right?” He heard Brian saying, a bit of anxiousness in his voice.

“Why would I do something stupid like that?” Michael asked. Brian smiled.

“Good, ‘cuz if my old man found out his youngest was a queer he’d flip a shit,” Brian ground out the joke humorlessly.

“Brian I would never tell anyone. You’re my best friend. We’ll always be best friends and we’ll always be there for each other. Your secret’s safe with me, pal.” Brian smiled again and brought his friend into a hug.

“Thanks Mikey. I knew I could depend on you. What would I do without you? Where would I go after my father beat me to a pulp?” Mikey hugged tighter.

“You don’t have to think about that Brian because you’ll always have me. I’ll always protect you,” he said. Angelina smiled at the tender moment.

“Now do you understand their friendship a bit better?” Angelina asked. Justin simply nodded. “Michael was really the only friend he had. The only person he had to lean on. So the next time you get mad at Michael, remember that Brian might not be here without him.” Justin nodded again and swiped away the rogue tear that had slipped down his cheek. Angelina again took Justin’s hand. “Now, this only half explains why Brian is the way he is. The other half lies in his college years.” And with that the two were off again.

*~*~*

A few seconds later the two stood in an apartment looking at a slightly older Brian lying on a couch reading a book.

“1992: an on campus apartment at Penn State,” Angelina said. Justin looked around the apartment. It was typical Brian, decorated in eloquent furniture and immaculately clean. Suddenly the door opened and a man with blond hair who looked to be about 20 walked in. He was good-looking with chiseled features and dark green eyes. He smiled at Brian.

“Pete!” Brian said excitedly and jumped up to greet the man with a hug.

“Hey babe,” the man said as he returned the hug. “How was your day?” Brian shrugged.

“Alright; but I missed you,” he said. The man’s smile grew as he leaned forward and kissed Brian. Justin almost looked away.

“No Justin,” Angelina said. “You have to see this. I know it hurts, but just watch and listen.” So Justin kept his gaze trained on the two young men before him. They continued kissing and tumbled back onto the couch. When they broke apart Brian stared up at the man on top of him with a look that Justin recognized all too well: it was a look of adoration, of love. Brian stroked the man’s face.

“You know, we don’t spend enough time like this,” he said with a smile. Pete pushed a kiss to Brian’s forehead.

“I know, but as soon as we graduate we’re gonna get a real apartment in New York and we’ll have plenty of time to spend together,” he said.

“You promise?” Brian asked. Pete nodded.

“I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Brian answered before his lips were caught in another kiss. Justin turned towards Angelina. She looked at him with sad eyes and Justin knew what he’d see next.

Sure enough, in an instant he was in the same apartment looking at a much more upset Brian, staring at this Pete guy with a tear-stained face.

“Don’t give me that bullshit Pete! I saw you, Lindsey saw you,” he said, anger in his voice. Pete tried to touch Brian only to have the man flinch away from him and take several steps back. “Don’t touch me!”

“Brian, calm down, it was just a fling, that’s all,” he said. Brian laughed bitterly.

“*Just* a fling? I see you practically fucking some other guy in broad daylight and it’s ‘just’ a fling!” Brian spat out. “And how many other ‘flings’ have you had, Pete? Two, three? Huh? Come on, give me a fucking number!” Pete looked at the ground before directing his gaze back at Brian.

“Babe, we’re guys; we’re not meant to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” he said. He said it so matter-of-factly that Justin almost threw up.

“Oh it doesn’t?” Brian said quietly but angrily. “The fact that you have to go out and fuck other guys doesn’t mean you don’t love me?” Again Pete looked towards the ground. Fresh tears streamed down Brian’s face as he grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch. “You promised me Pete. You promised me that I was all you wanted, all you ever needed. I guess I was stupid for believing you,” Brian said, this time more sad than angry. He opened the door. “Goodbye, Pete,” he said. And he closed the door. Justin watched sadly as Brian left. Then suddenly he and Angelina were standing out in the hallway looking at a very dejected, very broken Brian slumped against the wall crying uncontrollably. He had the same look on his face that he’d had when Justin had left him after kissing him at the office: hurt and broken.

“He promised himself he’d never let anyone into his heart again because all he’d learned from love was that it hurt—physically and emotionally. He told himself that love didn’t exist, and he believed it—right up until the moment he met you,” Angelina said. A flash of the night Brian had met him flashed before Justin’s eyes. “You broke down his walls, showed him that love didn’t have to hurt.” Justin closed his eyes as a single tear ran down his face. When he opened his eyes there was nothing around him but white light. Angelina, with her pale skin, blond hair and white clothing blended almost completely into the background, save for her bright green eyes. “Do you really want to undo all you have done?” Justin looked to the ground. “It’s your choice Justin. I hope I’ve helped you to make the right one.” She kissed him quickly on the cheek and was suddenly gone.

*~*~* 

Justin was left standing alone in the middle of the street. He looked up at the loft. The light was still on, which meant Brian was still awake and there. He took off running back towards the building and up to the loft.

When he got there he saw Brian sitting at the counter with a glass of Beam, staring at the counter top. For a second Justin saw the pain from the little boy’s eyes, the anguish from the teen’s and the dejectedness from the young man’s. Then it was replaced by the mask he’d seen so often.

“Forget something?” He said indifferently without looking up. Justin crossed the space between himself and his lover. He slipped a finger under the man’s chin and lifted his face.

“Yeah,” Justin said. He leaned forward and gently kissed Brian. When he pulled away he looked into the intense hazel orbs he loved so much. “I’m sorry. I overreacted. I understand that you don’t want to go to the party. You don’t have to.” Brian smiled one of the few genuine smiles Justin had ever seen on the man’s face.

“Too bad you should say that now, Sunshine, ‘cuz I’ve already cleared my schedule and picked out my most WASPy outfit,” Brian said as he pulled Justin onto his lap. Justin smiled and kissed his lover again.

“I love you, Bri,” he said when they pulled apart. His face sobered. “I want to tell you something.” He paused. Brian raised his eyebrows.

“Go ahead; I’m all ears,” he said, trying to encourage the younger man to go on.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m never going to leave you again.” Brian ducked his face to hide the brief pain that flickered across his face. It didn’t go unnoticed by Justin, however. When he looked back up sincerity shone in his eyes.

“You promise?” He said. Justin would have thought the man’s tone to be uncharacteristic had he not seen what he did. He simply pressed his forehead to Brian’s and looked deep into his eyes.

“I promise. I truly promise,” he said. He hugged the man to him and hoped that Brian could believe him after nearly 12 years of wearing a mask.


End file.
